The Headlines: “All The News That’s Fit To Print”

Sammy Meskill ’29

This week, an interesting Dean’s Hour was held in the auditorium. Run by Dean Hinrichs, the tradition is a vital part of “the full early college experience” (Bard Manhattan’s Newsletter, March 13th). Every week, a guest speaker talks for around 45 minutes — presenting research, analysis and comments on the topic at hand. This past Wednesday, guest speaker Hamdriger Bunumdrum came to visit the school. The topic of his Dean’s Hour talk was “The Function of Triginometric Inequaical Algebraic Commodities in Relation to The Environment Geobraic Cantrualic System of Philosophy (TFTIACRTEGCSP).” In case you were wondering, many students did choose to skip Dean’s Hour and go elsewhere. Some went to Chipotle, some went to the Language Department Office’s cabinet, some went to the third floor bathroom — where they were promptly locked inside. Apparently, students going to this Dean’s Hour was very important for the administration — students are now restricted from leaving the building because Dean’s Hour is essentially “a class” (Bard Manhattan’s Newsletter, March 13th). The administration thinks Dean’s Hour teaches students at Bard very important things that they will most definitely use in the future. As punishment for daringly ditching Deans Hour, some students were punished by being sent to the school gymnasium, a place with no comfort, light or educational value. How dare students skip a Deans hour on such an important topic;  what an important thing to take into life after BHSEC! 

In other news, following recent expansions, new branches are to be added to the BHSEC network of schools. In 2008, Bard high school expanded to Queens. In 2023, Bard Bronx was created. And in 2024, Bard Brooklyn. After also expanding to Newark, New Orleans, Cleveland, Baltimore, Washington, D.C., and Hudson Valley, Bard has chosen to create new locations in a host of new places. Plans are currently in the works. Vatican City, The Hamptons, New York, and Nantucket, Massachusetts, are all expected to have new Bard High School Early College schools by 2028. Another location that the administration is considering opening a branch in is Mar-a-Lago (per request of Emily Gregory — recent victor of a district election) or Kaharg Island.

Moving onto the next headline, in an interview with the admissions department, the criteria of the recently admitted students was revealed. In a rigorous admissions process — one that involves a math test, two essays, and an interview — Bard Manhattan apparently does have particular things that it looks for. As opposed to previous years, this year, the admissions committee looked for people who enjoyed writing and thinking.

At a recent Student Union bakesale, a surprising thing happened. Many people chose to buy (some of which were stale) cookies, muffins, Dubai chocolate treats, Matcha pound cake, etc. Many teachers tried to ignore the Student Union waving them over. But, their kind hearts and very empty stomachs turned their bodies around to buy a cookie, or two, or three. Someone who didn’t buy a cookie was Brian Pew, the Principal! Seeing students taking on leadership roles in the community didn’t seem to be enough for him. Walking past the table in an orange coat, he ignored the desperate cries for money. “Please! Please! Won’t you buy a cookie? It’s only $1.50.” Silence. “What about $1?” Nothing. “50 cents?” Nada. “Free?” Not even a glance back. Apparently, he was bothered by the wobbly table (one of his pet peeves, highlighted in last issue’s article, Bard’s Pet Peeves And Where To Find Them).