The American Diet

Elizabeth Walen ’28

There’s a moment in every bright, young American life which is quintessential to the experience. It is that moment where your mother, one who consumes every substance besides calories, sits you down and discusses your own consumption habits. At this moment, the young American realizes that they have been lied to. Broccoli, of course, is the devil, and Red 40 is what makes every true Yankee bleed red, white, and blue.

It should be noted that this “Healthy Eating Pyramid” is total crap. These dang scientists are feeding us so-called “balanced meals” and shoving it down our throats. Next time you’re in the grocery store, ignore that stinking pile called fresh produce, and if I don’t see any Lucky Charms Cereal in your cart, you don’t deserve to stand up for the pledge of allegiance and swear your devotion to this country.

The American Diet is what makes America such a beautiful country. A good cheeseburger and a vat of Coca-Cola, once titled “Cocaine-Cola,” is what makes my heart soar like an eagle. However, the only cheeseburger that passes my test of whether the cow bled red, white, and blue is one the CEO of the company that supplies it would never allow in his own mouth.

Those gummy worms are, in fact, not inordinately garbage, but rather the missing piece of the puzzle in the development of your own personal brain worm. Because, of course, doesn’t everyone want to be just like our wonderful R.F.K. Jr? It should be noted that the intelligence rate of Americans is, in fact, not declining, but rather the government of our terrible enemies is trying to convince the world that our wondrous meals are leading to a lowered IQ. It’s preposterous!

You may be persuaded to follow in the footsteps of so-called “healthy-eaters,” but you must stay true to your patriotism. Keep to those loyal TV-dinners and drive-through meals as you’re developing your young American mind!