Waterbottles are Better than People
Evan Farley, ‘20
The reusable water bottle company S’well recently donated 320,000 water bottles to the New York City Department of Education, enough for (almost) every high school student in the city. As you know, BHSEC students were recipients of the stylish but practical Sip by S’well bottles with a capacity of 450ml of hot or cold beverages. This was undoubtedly a very generous donation and we should all be grateful to our benevolent benefactor. And now that we all have access to such wonderful vessels, I am sure you will come around to my way of thought: water bottles are better than people.
None of us would have come to this conclusion without the complementary fluid vessel upon which we proudly sharpie our names. This “free water bottle for all” initiative gives up a reliable companion who will never leave our side; a friend from which we can drink coffee during the brisk walk from Delancey Street on the chilly autumn mornings that await us. Our water bottles fight to ensure we are drinking enough fluids every single day, silently persisting, making sure we remain watered down. These are not two-faced people who only stick with you when it is convenient, these are loyal comrades waiting diligently to serve you and you alone. Water bottles will always remain superior to all members of the human race.
I am not saying you must love your S’well bottle. I am not some propaganda artist working for the DOE or an undercover sustainability coordinator trying to corrupt the youth of BHSEC. Rather, I encourage you to love whatever bottle suits you. Maybe you need something with a little more volume? That is totally normal and there are plenty of options out there, ranging from cheaper Nalgenes to more pricey vacuum insulated water bottles. Or perhaps a built-in straw would prove more functional for your purposes. By all means, go for it! Water bottles come in all shapes and sizes. Whatever you’re into is up to you and I am not one to judge. This variety is exceptional and makes water bottles special. Humans also come in all shapes and sizes, sure, but on a smaller scale. Humans all have the same basic features and forms and end up looking pretty similar to one another, but not water bottles. There is only one thing that stays the same among all water bottles, and that is the capacity to love you.
Normally materialism is something that should not be encouraged, but the water bottle has the ability to rise above all the petty consumerism that plagues society and provide you with the service of friendship and the privilege of frugality. Because once you have obtained your bottle, S’well or otherwise, it helps you avoid other unnecessary purchases of plastic water containers (they do not deserve the title of a bottle). These clear crinkly monsters are truly the scum of all you can buy. For starters, you are being charged an exorbitant amount for the privilege of drinking Adam’s ale, a natural resource that we all depend on to live. But some malicious corporation decided that people would pay for this opportunity to enjoy the refreshing taste of survival, and slapped a label of convenience on the container. Additionally, this is horrible for the environment because most of the plastic is not recycled and ends up sitting in a landfill. Buying a container of Poland Springs in a city that gives residents far superior water at a fraction of the price is outrageous and offensive. But with reusable water bottles, you gain a sense of self because you are not dependent on someone to provide you with water for a dollar. Instead, you have the ability to make your own decision about the source of your fluid and the waste you produce. Water bottles, unlike humans, give you autonomy and will not charge you every time you desire 20 ounces of fluid.
Am I a lonely boy with an obsession for water bottles? Perhaps. But let me work out my own problems, instead, focus on what has been going on inside your head. Have you been in need of an ally in these trying times? Do you want to bolster your health by staying hydrated all day? Do you not wish to leave class to refill your water bottle and pee all in one trip? Surely you have asked yourself one of these questions. Wait no longer. Take this swell opportunity you have been blessed with, and break that S’well bottle out of its cardboard. Find a water bottle from years back and make it your pal. I promise you it will be worth it. I might not know much, but I am sure that water bottles are better than people.